Thursday, November 18, 2010

Emotionally Dying

My wonderful Husband Jon, and I.

For several months prior to this time my Husband had noticed my emotions shifting. It appeared to him that after we suffered the miscarriage month after month after month...I continually got worse. Everything began to alter in a negative way, my eating habits, my focus, my Spiritual life appeared to be shriveling up. Etc. Etc. There were a whole lot of things that we had talked about concerning me. Jon was very worried about me. I love my Husband Jon. I love how he cares enough to sit me down and talk to me for while, even if it's not the most convenient time. So we talked and talked and talked...and cried, and laughed, and prayed. It was nice. That was just a couple weeks I am happy to say I have never felt so free. There was this certain program that he went through (Jon) when he was on a missions trip in the UK. The program was called RTF. He explained to me that it was some sort of meeting session...sort of like how a psychologist meets with a burdened down person. However, RTF is different because there is a lot more deep communication and prayer that goes's a Christian thing...not a brainy science thing. One night Jon and I were talking and I was just letting some things of my chest about certain stuff. He looked at me and could tell all of those things were really bogging me down. He looked at me, and said, "I know what you need, I'll be right back." He hurried off and went scrambling in the living room or somewhere for what I had come to find out was old RTF papers from the the RTF he had went through on his missions trip. He went over that with me, and counselled me similar to how he was counselled. The RTF really helped me. I gained a clearer understanding of what it was that I was really feeling and facing, and even why I respond to things in the way I so often do. RTF, really gets to the core of a person. I found it very freeing.

As I was saying, Jon had come to me and talked to me about all of this, and we prayed together, and talked and talked. He really encouraged me. He mentioned that I was running. That I was running away from reality. But most importantly He said I was running away from God, that I was hiding from Him and everything. I agreed with him after thinking about it for a bit...I didn't realize it until right then that, that was so true! I was hiding away from the world. In my own little safety bubble. I was very sad and depressed before Jon and I had this talk. He really opened my eyes. He showed me who I've become ever since the loss of our child. I was slowly fading away...I was emotionally dying. I was allowing those dark thoughts to take over. I was allowing the "shadows" of depression to feel welcome and become my friends. Because of that, choice, I slowly fell deeper and deeper into a heavy depression which resulted in choosing not to eat hardly anything, be quiet and off to myself doing my own thing, not talking very much about anything, going about my life blindly "living" (at least I thought I was)...but reality opened my eyes and God showed me I was really walking in death the whole time.

Lately, I have been feeling great. I am no longer walking in death. I can now see, the scales have been taken off my eyes. I am free! It feels very good to be able to say that--and mean it. I am so grateful to God! He has used my Husband so powerfully and is working through him each and everyday so mightily. If it wasn't for that man of God in my life I honestly can't tell you where I would be right now. God has truly blessed me with a wonderful Husband. Recently, now that I am feeling alive and awake again, I have been so much more active Spiritually, Physically etc. you know...getting up and doing things, not being afraid to be spontaneous and try new stuff! I feeling like I'm 16 again. I am so glad the day has finally come where I can just feel and know I am OK. I am OK. All of this goes much deeper than just my Husband and I suffering a miscarriage...

I love my parents. Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't trade them for any other parents. Growing up, I had a really rough life. That life is where most of all this stems from. I would rather not get too in to detail about my childhood and my past. I will share with you though, that I have walked through I'd say, too much too fast for such a young woman. I was a very rebellious girl as child...and up into my teens. I spent most of my life searching for love. I grew up very poor with little to eat, and not a comfortable place to sleep. I was homeless for sometime in my teen years during middle school. My Father is a great man but, growing up wasn't easy because of some of the decisions he chose to make. My Mother had mental illness almost all of my growing up years. When I was just a small child, my Mother was possessed by demons. It wasn't an oppression, it was possession. It was very traumatic for me as a child not to be able to have that Mother-Daughter bond I was longing for. My Mother was delivered, the demons left her in a Church service back in oh...97', 98' ?

My Mother has always been disabled, ever since I can remember. She has had several medical hurdles she has been trying to get over. She is a sweet woman. I have an older brother, I have only seen him once in my whole life. The first and last time I saw him was when I was 8. Since then...I have spoken very briefly over the phone with him off and on. My brother is mentally ill. He has been in prison. And, has been homeless (I guess you could call a gypsie...(a traveler by foot) most of his life from what I understand. He is a very sweet brother. I have one of the letters he wrote my Father and Mother when he was incarcerated. I try and cherish the vague memories I have. They are vague memories but, at least there memories. I was almost molested by a man in the Apts. I lived in when I was a girl. I lived in the ghetto most of my life. To me, it felt somewhat was just "normal" for me, I was used to it. I have been tormented and abused mentally, emotionally and physically by complete strangers, and acquaintances...even "friends" as a small girl, and as a teen. Living life in the ghetto as a small girl, and living life in the suburbs near Mexico in a boarding home...wasn't easy. It was very stressful. And scary. I had attended a Bi-lingual school, when I was a teen in middle school. I liked the school but, had lot's of trouble concentrating because of all that was going on. My focus was not fully on God at that was on guys. I have been hurt deeply by several young guys in my past relationships. I regret dating off and on so much. I was searching for love, just someone to care about me and tell me I was beautiful is all. We all want that, but ladies, trying to use men to fulfill that desire is not the route you wanna' take. If you already's never to late to change. There is someone who is madly in love with you and thinks you are beautiful. His name is Jesus Christ. He wants a relationship with you. Jesus is the only person that can fill that void in your soul. His love is not temporary--It's eternal.

It's FOREVER. Wouldn't you love to be loved and taken care of, and told you were beautiful and cherished and worth something..for the rest of your life? Then ask Jesus into your heart to be your personal LORD and Saviour today. Why are you running from Him? Why wait any longer...start that beautiful relationship with Jesus today. He has saved me. Men, women...all of you out there...GOD IS ALIVE AND REAL. He is waiting for you to take his hand! He loves me...and He loves you just the same. If he set me free from all my worries, doubts, fears, hurts, depression, emotional issues, eating disorders, mental blocks, suicidal thoughts, anger, bitterness, frustration, confusion...HE CAN DO THE SAME FOR YOU!

God is good and all the time. I am grateful that I stand where I stand today. For those of you out there who know me, even those of you who don't, who have been praying for me. THANK YOU! You all are amazing. Be free today all of you...all who are weak and heavy burdened. Jesus will give you that rest and peace you need. JESUS IS THE ANSWER for the world today.

God Bless You.

Have you ever heard of RTF? Are you allowing God to order your steps? Or are you walking blindly through this life in the dark? Are you Emotionally dying? Dead? Feel free to share your heart...


Gina said...

What a beautiful post. Thanks for sharing from your heart. I could relate so much to the beginning of your post (not the middle so much since I had a delightfully wonderful childhood) My husband and I had a miscarriage in our first year of marriage and it was devastating to me. I went through a horrible six months, being angry at God, crying all the time, etc. It sounds silly looking back on it. But it sure was real when I was there. My husband, like yours, was so patient. I finally had to come to a point that I fully surrendered my life and future to God - even if that meant no children. I look back on the experience now as one to cherish because of all that God taught me those months. I pray that in future years, you will say the same!

And thanks for visiting my blog!

DuggarFamFan08 said...

Thank you for your comments!
Coping with the miscarriage is getting easier for me. It has just been such a struggle accepting it at times. I feel the same way, I truly desire to have children and many of them! However, if that is not what God has planned for our lives...oh my, it hurts just even typing that, which shows me how much more I need to let go and trust God...then I will have to try and accept that, and take it as a blessing. When the storms of life are raging we must remind ourselves to thank God in the good times and to thank God in the bad times.

Walk with Jesus!


Debbie said...

Glad RTF has ministered to you (through your hubby)--it's a wonderful program and has helped me as well many people I personally know. Just a little extra info--the letters RTF stand for Restoring the Foundations, and it's very Bible-based. It focuses on emotional healing, forgiveness, and deliverance. Blessings!
P.S. Thanks for your comments on my blog. : )

DuggarFamFan08 said...

Thanks for your comment Debbie!
Stay blessed!


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